cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
