I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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