What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
