Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
