I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
