I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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