I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
