Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
