There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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