well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
