she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
