I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
