my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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