even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
