tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think my moral compass just broke
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
