Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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