How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
