i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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