Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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