Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize