Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
