I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
