i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This is my gift to your gina
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
