I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
