True but thats because hes a fetus.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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