You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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