New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
