i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
