Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
