mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
