She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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