Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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