I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
