My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
