fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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