dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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