The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
