Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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