Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
