We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's the barista slut.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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