My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
