so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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