you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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