remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
