I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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