dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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