i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
