I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize