you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
