So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
