Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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