wrigley field is MILF paradise
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
