His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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