I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
