who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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