Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
