I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
