3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
