I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
