I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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