fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
