Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
