Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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